I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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