whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
