A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
