I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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