I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
