Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
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Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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