i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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