WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
BRING THE BAGELS
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
