On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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