I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
