Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just had sex on a roof
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
