Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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