Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
