So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
