Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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