My hand turned me down
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
