My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
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The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
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You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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