I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
