I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
