this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
is that a dick in a sweater?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
