Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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