I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
