I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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