ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
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drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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