Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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