i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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