before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
