I hope mine doesn't look like that
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
