How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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