I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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