Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I am midnight drunk by noon
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
