splinters make it hard to masturbate
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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