Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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