she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
