Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
