I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
FUCK WHALES
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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