He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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