you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
