I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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