Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
