Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
