Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
