yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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