i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
