You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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