I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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