My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
