a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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