We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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