So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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