we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
