Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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