I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
