Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
