Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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