fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
