If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
